Ode to the Window Turkeys (Craft Draft)

This poem is about bird-watching some turkeys with my grandmother one winter. It's a peaceful memory to go back to. So I'm sharing it with you.

Draft 1

Outside my grandmother’s room

in comical proximity to a bird feeder far too small for meaningful pecking

A summons through the window:

See the turkeys?

The clock skips past the minute

We are all bird-watchers

We are sure of the uselessness of the searching turkeys

There are no loose seeds

The grass is too well kept

and will fade to sleep with the tall trees by the rapids

The turkeys make harvest of corn, appleseeds and rocks

This draft is useful for getting a lot of what I like about the poem onto the page. I think it's good at expressing the literal subject matter of the poem. The draft also captures the plainness of the event itself.

But for a poem, the draft is not taking full advantage of its word choice. I don't feel like it captures much emotion. And the draft could benefit from a more solid structure.

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Draft 2

Ode to the window turkeys

Poor fellows, searching for harvest

of corn, apple seeds and rocks.

Pecking at a feeder with too-big beaks.

Stepping on thin, short, wet grass.

Grandmother and mother and son stare through the glass.

A clock hand falls past the hour.

Cold trees droop towards the rapids.

I think this draft is much better at capturing a specific mood of quiet amusement.

But there is not as much of a sense of place as in the first draft. And this draft relies too much on a structure I've used before in the Small Bird revisions. I want something different from this poem.

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Draft 3

Ode to the window turkeys

Poor fellows, searching for flower

and corn, finding ice and rocks.

Pecking seed feeder with too-big beaks.

Stepping on slippery, brittle grass.

Stretching around the feeder to glass

window, warm instead of frosted, sleek

from melted snow, full of blanket, clock

hand skipping before and past the hour

Now I feel more comfortable about this poem! It's not too flowery that you get distracted. It feels intentional and structured. And it still captures the mood.

This is the sharpest version of the poem, too. Now, I'm focused only on details as they appear, instead of mentioning parts of the scene that are only there for background. The "camera" of the scene moves clearly from outside to inside for good juxtaposition. Details like the texture of the grass and the frost on the window do more than saying "A summons through the window" could. Those details build environment and mindset at the same time.

That opening get-all-the-images-onto-the-page draft is wonderful for its purpose. But there are ways to have everything you want already on the page and dig into more expressive details.